Monday, September 6, 2010

How Do I Cope

Lately I've been asked "Erica, how do you deal with all of this?" My usual response is "I'm hanging in there" or "It's hard but I try to stay positive and I know it's for the best".

However, I have not been truly honest because I don't want a pity party because I know it will make me feel worse. Some time, yes, I do want to talk about it; but most of the time I would rather just rather talk about normal things, like holy crap Randle El is back with the Steelers, to keep my mind off of what is really going on.

So how do I cope? Well, right now I feel like I really don't. I am thankful for the antidepressants I've been on since all of this started and I am extremely grateful for whomever invented Klonopin for anxiety (or whatever it was initially meant to be used for)! My only downfall are the cigarettes I smoke. I never intended on going back to smoking, gosh I quit back in 2000. However, I wasn't coping and I thought hmmm...cigarettes or alcohol.....I am definitely more coherent with cigarettes so that's where I am. Now I am not saying that I don't drink because appletinis are my favorites! But it is a very occasional thing.

So back to the topic at hand. My morning are always early, it tends to be "me" time! Which I thoroughly enjoy. I use it to check my email, update facebook, and write here. About 7:30am rolls around and I usually hear the pitter-patter of my son's feet heading through the upstairs hallway and down the steps. His head usually peeks around the corner and he lets out a little giggle because he knows Mommy is always at the computer in the morning.Then he runs to me and gives me a big snuggly hug and I ask him how he slept and he whispers "good mommy".

This past week has been horrible because none of that is happening. It plays out in my head, an ever so sweet memory and I just sit here feeling lost. My mornings now consist of wandering around the house and picking up a few things and putting them away. We currently have a lot of clutter which could be aggressively cleaned up, but my mind refuses to deal with it because it is a pile of chaos. Have I mentioned that I don't deal with chaos well? Well, I don't!

Dave has been great with putting the laundry in the washer and I try to remember to put it in the drier but sometimes I forget. Dave has been able to sit down and watch several movies but I just can't seem to sit still. So I do some more wandering. The only time I really sit is when I am at the computer or outside having a smoke. And there are times when I just sit at the computer and stare at the screen. Dave is here for me and willing to listen whenever I want to talk. But just his presence helps me know that everything is going to be okay. 

Yes I cry, a lot. Most antidepressants help curb that but there is only so much a drug can do and I do not want to take anything stronger because I need to feel that emotion and not be a zombie myself. I no longer keep things bottle up but I have and issue with things eating at me and that is my real problem. Yes I have my own therapist and she is wonderful. I know I would be 10 times worse without her. I've told her that I just feel like walking out into the middle of traffic on Rt. 17, but I know I would never do it and so does my therapist. It is just a nice thought sometime. Yes, I am crazy in my own way, but I would never hurt myself because that is extremely selfish and against my beliefs as a Christian.

So, how do I cope? I don't! I get by with the means I know and the knowledge I have and I try to just hold it all together. It is like hanging by a thread and that thread is really frayed. And I will hang there with all of my strength and know that I have the help of others when that thread feels like it is going to break.

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